Where Has All the Kindness Gone?
By Katherine E. McIntyre, MS, LPC, NCC
One does not have to look much further than the comments under the latest news story, a question asked on a community page or even a post made on our own page to find negativity and meanness. It almost feels like some people have made a game of it; let’s see whose comment can be nastier than the last. I have witnessed groups of people who have never met relish in ganging up on others in their attempt to show those other people who is “right”.
Growing up I often heard the phrase, “treat others the way that you want to be treated” or “treat others the way that you would treat yourself.” While this is a noble thing to strive towards, I have come to realize something; many people do not even show themselves the love and care that this statement asks them to pass on towards others.
We are a society swallowed up by self-doubt, low self-esteem and constant self-analysis. We continuously look to something or someone outside of ourselves to receive validation that we are worthy. Unfortunately for most of us, the world around us does not typically offer up this validation. Instead, we are often met with “proof” that our inner critics were right through the lack of genuine connection, unkind comments and low number of likes on our latest post.
“Hurt people, hurt people” is a phrase whose truth rings out in the actions and words that are becoming ever so prevalent in our society today. Instead of focusing the rest of the blog on the evidence that we are a society in pain; I think that it is important that we seek to offer up some kindness of our own to this world; starting with ourselves.
All of the events of this past year have undeniably created a fragility in most of us regarding our wellbeing and mental health. For those of you who often put yourselves on the back burner; I am here to tell you that it is okay to take time for yourself and your own self-care. Not only is it okay, but it is absolutely necessary. It all goes back to what they tell us on airplanes just before take off, “In the event of an emergency, please put your own oxygen mask on before you try to help others.”
Our mental health and self-care is no different. If we don’t do the things that we need to do for ourselves as human beings to nurture our brains, bodies and souls; it can lead us down a dark and difficult road in some instances. The fact is that we can give of ourselves more wholly when we ourselves feel whole.
There are many things that you can do to cultivate kindness towards yourself. Here is a short list of examples that you can start with:
Set boundaries- We are often quick to say “yes” if and when we wish to please others; but stretching ourselves too thin can be detrimental to us (and those around us) in the long run.
Set aside time- It is easy to say “I am too busy”. However, every single person can earmark a few moments for themselves each day. Take a walk, play a board game, read in your favorite reading nook; do something that brings you joy.
Block out that wish does not serve you- This can come in the form of unfollowing a page on social media, turning off the t.v. when something comes on to upset you or taking a break from a relationship that is one sided or unhealthy.
Take time in nature- Nature can be so uplifting and rejuvenating. Find a path less traveled or a beach to sit at and listen to the waves. Nature will do its thing.
Show yourself unconditional love and kindness- You are worthy of your own love. You don’t need validation from anyone or anything outside of yourself. Let your inner coach speak to you with kind words and do your best to block out that nasty inner critic.
Surround yourself with people who love you for you- The people that we surround ourselves with play an important role in how we feel about ourselves. Their words become the words in our heads. Choose wisely.
Give yourself a little grace- We are so hard on ourselves. Every chance we get, we remind ourselves that we could’ve, should’ve or would’ve. Remember that you did your best in that moment.
Get help if and when you need it- There is no shame in seeking out help if you are struggling. We all need help at various times in our lives. It is just the nature of being human.
Another phase that I heard woven throughout my childhood is “kill them with kindness”. In the past, I have even repeated this statement during a “teaching moment”. However, I would like to amend this statement to say “surround them with kindness”. This phrase just feels more loving and genuine. Once you have surrounded yourself with kindness, you can go out there in the world and do the same for others.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to those around you. We could all use a little more kindness, don’t you think?
P.S.- Please refrain from the nasty online comments. You never know how your words will impact someone else. Even if they are the ones coming off as unkind. We don’t know what they are having to deal with.
Make It a Wonderful Life
By Katherine E. McIntyre, MS, LPC, NCC
Although rooted in fiction, we can all learn a little something from the movie It’s a Wonderful Life. This year especially has brought with it the sense of despair that George Bailey most certainly felt. Yet, the real world does not offer each of us the chance to take a glimpse at our lives and the ability to see the impact that our actions have on those around us. I would venture a guess that most of us do not put a whole lot of thought into our impact upon the world and our valuable place in it. Yet, it is most certainly there.
One thing that this year has reminded me is how connected each of us in this world really are. I now fully understand that my actions, or in some cases, lack of action have a vast impact on this world. Living in a small town in Wisconsin, it was difficult to fathom that this virus would reach us here. Yet, the fact that it did just offers evidence that the connection that we as human beings share is a very powerful one.
Aside from gaining insight into the importance of his life; George Bailey also gained something else. The knowledge that even in what seems to be our most hopeless moment; kindness and love will always prevail. After enduring the heartache of watching those that he loved suffer a world without him; tasting the blood on his face brought him such elation that he laughed and celebrated as he ran home. The strife that he had been experiencing no longer mattered to him. It was the love that he had for his family and the knowledge that he would get to see them again that brought him such joy. In that moment he was unaware of the kindness that his family members, friends and townspeople would bestow upon him.
Throughout the movie, the angel Clarence is working to gain his wings. This is what prompts him to show George Bailey the impact that he has had on those around him. Yet, it is important to remember that we can be real-life angels here on earth for those around us. Just as swiftly as this virus has spread; so too can love. Just as powerful as this virus is; so too is kindness.
Now, I am sad to say that as of late I have seen far too many “Mr. Potters” out there in the world. While they can make us feel hopeless at times; It’s a Wonderful Life reminds us that the impact of love and kindness is much more powerful and greater reaching. We are sure to stumble upon our own Mr. Potter now and again. That is part of life. However, if we commit ourselves to putting love into the world, we cannot go wrong.
For those of you who may be experiencing your own sense of despair, please seek out help. The world needs the beautiful unique person that you are because you make it a better place for the rest of us.
Many holiday blessings to you all.
Katie
It’s Okay Not to Be Okay:
It’s How You Respond to Those Feelings That Matters Most
By Katherine E. McIntyre, MS, LPC, NCC
It is a custom in our society to ask someone how they are doing as we greet them. “How are you?” We might ask as we pass a co-worker on our way to get to our next meeting. It is in our nature to reply with something like “I’m good, and you?”
However, what if we aren’t “good”? What if we are really feeling anxious or depressed? What if all that is going on in the world really has us feeling overwhelmed?
Depending on our individual upbringing (among other things), our brains have been wired to respond in specific ways to our feelings. Some of us were taught to suppress our feelings; to speak nothing of them. Some of us were able to talk freely about our feelings with our families growing up.
Whatever the case may be, sometimes it is difficult to know what do to with our feelings when we experience them. As we scroll through our social media pages we see the perfect pictures of our family members, friends and acquaintances living their best lives. These images sometimes make our lives seem less exciting; inadequate even. We may then think to ourselves, “How are all of these other people doing so well while I’m not.”
Firstly, people show us the best parts of their lives on social media. Most people do not document in pictures the argument that they had with their partner, their child having a meltdown, their messy house, their stack of bills or the emotional pain that they may be experiencing. We are programed to paint the picture of perfection.
However, life isn’t perfect. It is messy. It is difficult. It is painful. Yet, it is beautifully imperfect and full of much joy as well. Just as the seasons change throughout the year, the seasons of our lives change too. It is in having experienced the difficult times that we can fully appreciate the wonderful times.
So, here I am telling you straight out; It is okay to not be okay. I think that right now many of us are just doing enough. Enough to get by for the time being. The heaviness of the world around us may not allow us to get beyond that right now.
Once we establish that we are not okay though, we need to decide what we can do to help ourselves become okay again. Not perfect, but at least okay. Here are a few ideas to help you on your journey:
Self-Care- Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Allow yourself some time for you each and every day. Even if you start with 5 minutes per day. Even if you have to wake up a few moments early or stay up a few minutes later, it is of the utmost importance.
Seek Out Help- Whether this be from a mental health professional, your doctor, or the listening ear of a dear friend; it is important that you start being okay with telling people that you are not okay. Talking about how you are feeling with others can also be inspiring to someone else who may be going through the same thing.
Start a Mindfulness Practice- In our chaotic world, one of the most effective things that can ease our stress levels is by allowing our brains to take a pause. This can be accomplished through a daily mindfulness practice. Even if you just start with a few minutes per day, it can be so impactful.
Find Fellowship- This might mean “gathering” virtually with friends or family members, finding a group of people who are feeling the same way that you are, or are interested in the same hobby. As human beings we crave fellowship and it is important to nurture this for our souls.
Harness Your Hygge- What is hygge you might ask? In the Danish culture, the word "hygge" is used to describe that feeling of comfort and coziness that offers a sense of contentment and well-being. There are many ways to create a feeling of hygge in your home, especially during the dark months of winter. Harnessing your hygge can elevate your daily mood.
Start a Journal or Write a Novel- The act of writing your feelings down can be so beneficial. Whether you start a daily journal, start the novel that you have always wanted to write; putting our feelings down on paper can be such a release. Journals can come in the form of any medium as well. You can make an art journal, nature journal; the sky is the limit.
This list is just a start to the things that you can do to nurture your soul when you need it most. Remember to stay in touch with how you are feeling, stay connected to the people in your life who bring you joy, reach out for help when and if you need it and remember to love yourself for who you are.
Many blessings to all of you,
Katie
2020: Finding Calm In the Midst of the Storm
We have all seen the various memes out there about 2020. They range from silly to outrageous and highlight the vast array of unfortunate events that have plagued us over this short, yet intense period of time. It is evident that by posting and sharing these memes we are doing our best to offer a smile or laugh during a time that has proven to be both challenging and unprecedented.
As a mental health provider, I am concerned about where we are and where we are headed in terms of our mental health as a nation. If we look back at our lives even just a mere seven months ago; each and every one of us could make a list of all of the things that have changed for us since that time. Change. It is something that is difficult for most of us to process and come to terms with even on a good day, yet all of us have been thrust into the depths of change headfirst recently.
Even before this global pandemic began, our lives were stressful and at times overwhelming. In addition, our society doesn’t always value taking the time for self-care. We are a fast-paced, goal driven society that typically values a quick, error free result in record time. This way of life causes much anxiety to those whose jobs are on the line if they do not deliver what is asked of them; and fast.
Now here we are. The last day of September, 2020. We have all of the “typical” life stressors, accompanied by all of the changes that have occurred since the start of the global pandemic and we are adding a very heated election in the midst of the already swirling storm of emotions. It is, quite frankly, the makings of a disaster for our mental health.
Yet, I do believe that there is reason to be hopeful. Yes, many of the things that life throws our way are out of our control. However, we have highly impactful choices that we can make to help us get through this very stressful period of time.
Kindness- I can never talk about kindness too often. It is something that is free to give and offers so much joy to both the bearer of kindness and the recipient. It is important to note that we can be kind to all people; even those that we do not necessarily agree with. Kindness has no boundaries. It is one of the single most impactful things that you can provide to others every single day.
Stepping Back- Each and every one of us needs to step back, take pause and reflect on what we need most. This may mean stepping away from social media, news and our information intake for a bit to help your body find a sense of calm. It may mean taking a day off to take care of your mental health or taking a walk in nature to soothe your soul a bit.
Developing a Self-Care Plan- We tend to be the last people on our own to-do list. Yet, everything that we do suffers if we do not take care of ourselves. Developing a self-care plan may be as simple as a few minutes of mindfulness each morning, going for a walk or a jog, taking the time out of your day to do something that brings your joy, eating foods that nourish your body or making sure that you get enough sleep each night. We are all different and need different things to feel fulfilled. Take a few moments to reflect on what you need more of in your life right now.
Nurture Your Sense of Empathy- We can be frustrated with the way that things are right now, however it is what we do with that frustration that makes a difference. It is important that even in the midst of our frustration, we pause and nurture our sense of empathy towards others. We may not always agree with someone, however we can always search our heart for empathy to help us to better understand one another.
Stay Connected- This period of time has been a lonely one for many. It is important to stay emotionally connected to the people that we care about. As human beings we are social by nature. It is through our social interactions that we feel loved and supported. We need each other now more than ever.
Reach Out- The events that have transpired over the last few months have left some of our loved ones more stressed and vulnerable than ever. It is important to reach out to friends and family members who are currently left with added stressors in their lives so that we may help to lesson their load.
Getting the Help That You Need- There will be a time in all of our lives where we many need extra emotional support. It is so important to reach out for help when you need it. There are mental health resources available for you. You are worth it. You deserve happiness.
Kindness- Here I am, starting and ending this list with kindness. It is what the world needs right now. It starts with kindness to yourself and extends outward. Each and every act of kindness has a powerful impact.
This list is not all encompassing by any means, however it is a start. Every day is a new day to find enjoyment in your life. 2020 may have caused a lot of change in our lives, but when we embrace these changes with grace and kindness we not only have a positive impact on ourselves, but those around us.
Much love to you all,
Katie