Where Has All the Kindness Gone?
By Katherine E. McIntyre, MS, LPC, NCC
One does not have to look much further than the comments under the latest news story, a question asked on a community page or even a post made on our own page to find negativity and meanness. It almost feels like some people have made a game of it; let’s see whose comment can be nastier than the last. I have witnessed groups of people who have never met relish in ganging up on others in their attempt to show those other people who is “right”.
Growing up I often heard the phrase, “treat others the way that you want to be treated” or “treat others the way that you would treat yourself.” While this is a noble thing to strive towards, I have come to realize something; many people do not even show themselves the love and care that this statement asks them to pass on towards others.
We are a society swallowed up by self-doubt, low self-esteem and constant self-analysis. We continuously look to something or someone outside of ourselves to receive validation that we are worthy. Unfortunately for most of us, the world around us does not typically offer up this validation. Instead, we are often met with “proof” that our inner critics were right through the lack of genuine connection, unkind comments and low number of likes on our latest post.
“Hurt people, hurt people” is a phrase whose truth rings out in the actions and words that are becoming ever so prevalent in our society today. Instead of focusing the rest of the blog on the evidence that we are a society in pain; I think that it is important that we seek to offer up some kindness of our own to this world; starting with ourselves.
All of the events of this past year have undeniably created a fragility in most of us regarding our wellbeing and mental health. For those of you who often put yourselves on the back burner; I am here to tell you that it is okay to take time for yourself and your own self-care. Not only is it okay, but it is absolutely necessary. It all goes back to what they tell us on airplanes just before take off, “In the event of an emergency, please put your own oxygen mask on before you try to help others.”
Our mental health and self-care is no different. If we don’t do the things that we need to do for ourselves as human beings to nurture our brains, bodies and souls; it can lead us down a dark and difficult road in some instances. The fact is that we can give of ourselves more wholly when we ourselves feel whole.
There are many things that you can do to cultivate kindness towards yourself. Here is a short list of examples that you can start with:
Set boundaries- We are often quick to say “yes” if and when we wish to please others; but stretching ourselves too thin can be detrimental to us (and those around us) in the long run.
Set aside time- It is easy to say “I am too busy”. However, every single person can earmark a few moments for themselves each day. Take a walk, play a board game, read in your favorite reading nook; do something that brings you joy.
Block out that wish does not serve you- This can come in the form of unfollowing a page on social media, turning off the t.v. when something comes on to upset you or taking a break from a relationship that is one sided or unhealthy.
Take time in nature- Nature can be so uplifting and rejuvenating. Find a path less traveled or a beach to sit at and listen to the waves. Nature will do its thing.
Show yourself unconditional love and kindness- You are worthy of your own love. You don’t need validation from anyone or anything outside of yourself. Let your inner coach speak to you with kind words and do your best to block out that nasty inner critic.
Surround yourself with people who love you for you- The people that we surround ourselves with play an important role in how we feel about ourselves. Their words become the words in our heads. Choose wisely.
Give yourself a little grace- We are so hard on ourselves. Every chance we get, we remind ourselves that we could’ve, should’ve or would’ve. Remember that you did your best in that moment.
Get help if and when you need it- There is no shame in seeking out help if you are struggling. We all need help at various times in our lives. It is just the nature of being human.
Another phase that I heard woven throughout my childhood is “kill them with kindness”. In the past, I have even repeated this statement during a “teaching moment”. However, I would like to amend this statement to say “surround them with kindness”. This phrase just feels more loving and genuine. Once you have surrounded yourself with kindness, you can go out there in the world and do the same for others.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to those around you. We could all use a little more kindness, don’t you think?
P.S.- Please refrain from the nasty online comments. You never know how your words will impact someone else. Even if they are the ones coming off as unkind. We don’t know what they are having to deal with.
