Communicating Compassionately and Effectively with Families
By Katherine E. McIntyre, MS, LPC, NCC
Communication. We do it every day, yet not always effectively. Our ever-changing world has impacted the way that we communicate with one another. It has become easier to be dismissive of others and choose to respond with defensiveness or blame. This may work, or at least seem to, when we are responding to someone that we don’t know on social media. However, as professionals, especially those working with children and their families, great care is needed when navigating our responses to situations that may arise.
Some of you may have heard the phrase, “What fires together, wires together.” This concept was coined by psychologist Donald Hebb and is known as Hebbian Theory. It essentially means that when two neurons in the brain repeatedly activate at the same time, their connection strengthens. They then form a stronger neural pathway.
I bring this theory up here because in our daily lives, we spend a lot of time scrolling, clicking and responding. We see something that bothers us and we oftentimes have an automatic response. For example, if you were to post something on your local community page and someone writes a comment that is rude or untrue, your first response might be to go on the defensive. You might confront that person or block that comment. If we do this type of thing on a regular basis, we are strengthening these defensive neural pathways.
It isn’t surprising then, that becoming defensive or frustrated, even in our professional settings, might be our initial response. It is important, however, to take a step back before responding, especially when working with children and their families.
Before embarking on the important journey of supporting children, whether it be as a teacher, therapist, coach or role model in some way, we need to remember that every single thing that we say or do can either lift them up or tear them down. This goes for their families as well.
As educational and/or therapeutic professionals, it is important that we foster positive relationships with the families of the children and teens that we work with. The way that we communicate with families determines the types of connections that we form with them. Some communication styles can trigger disconnection, especially for those who have been impacted by trauma or who have neurodivergent individuals within their family that they are advocating for. Here are a few gentle reminders of helpful ways to communicate with families that will build deeper, more meaningful connections.
Looking at Situations from Their Perspective
Many Families:
Are primarily looking out for their child’s wellbeing and best interest. There can be intense emotions tied to trying to ensure that their child receives the care that they deserve, especially if they have not received the proper care in the past.
Have had negative experiences navigating through systems that aren't always supportive or overlook important aspects of their child’s experience or needs.
Are simply looking for a supportive, listening ear and a willingness on the part of the professional working with their child to compassionately help them navigate situations that may arise.
Tips For Professional and Connection Building Communication
Along with our tendencies to become defensive, it can be very easy to take things that children or their families say to us personally. Next time this happens, I encourage you to stop that thought and reflect on some of the following points.
Instead of taking things personally when issues arise, it is important to take a moment to reflect on why a child or one of their family members are reaching out to you or are frustrated.
What are their concerns?
What needs are not being met?
What can you do to support them?
Could this situation be triggering past hurt or trauma for them?
Are there any resources that you can give them?
What is the specific problem that needs to be resolved?
As the professional in the situation, it is important to make sure to stay calm. In most cases, children and their families are just looking for support. Empathy and compassion can help to create connection and diffuse tensions.
Make sure to respond to written communications in a timely manner, even if you don’t have all of the answers right away. Letting families know that you received their message and offering reassurance and support goes a long way with families reaching out with concerns.
Acknowledging and validating the way that a child or their family views a situation and/or feels is very important. Apologizing when necessary can be helpful in allowing the child and their family to move forward and build trust and connection.
Try to find some sort of resolution or compromise to concerns that they are expressing. Not doing so will most likely lead to frustration on their part, which may only increase over time and develop into something much bigger than the initial situation.
Communication That Hinders Connection
There are many things that can be said or done that hinder our connections with others. Below are a few that I have observed to be some of the most prevalent to be used by professionals working with children and their families. Not only are these types of communication not professional, they only serve to divide the professional and/or organizations and the children and families that they are working with.
Defensiveness
Blaming
Name calling or labeling
Person directed criticism instead of situation directed criticism
Accusatory tone of voice
Compliance centered expectations instead of relationship building responses to situations
If you are a professional that is struggling with a difficult situation, one helpful tool is “The Sandwich Method”. My mother, who was a teacher, taught me about this method when I first started working with children. The Sandwich Method is a communication technique where you “sandwich” the negative feedback/issues that need to be worked on, in between two positive statements or compliments. The positive statements being the bread and the more negative statement being the “meat” or other ingredients of the communication sandwich.
This method, in my opinion, forces the professional who is responding to a difficult situation to see past just the current difficult situation. It allows them to reflect on what is going well and what the child’s strengths are instead of just focusing on the negative happening in the now.
Why is this important? “What fires together, wires together.” If a child's parent has concerns about something happening with their child at school and writes a frustrated letter to their child’s teacher only to be met with a negative response or defensiveness on the part of the teacher, the chances of the frustration pingpong email chain starting is extremely high. In contrast, if the professional in the situation takes the time to mindfully and compassionaly craft an empathetic response that includes some positives, there is sure to be an entirely different conversation to follow.
Working with children and their families is some of the most important work that can be done. We are helping to support children on their journey to adulthood. With this comes great responsibility. It is the responsibility to treat each and every child with compassion, to validate their feelings and to work with them and their families to create environments that foster growth and joy. Each child brings with them the traumas of their past and their own unique perspective and experience. Their families carry this, too. It is up to us as professionals to communicate with them in a way that allows them to start to put down the weight of these past traumas and to find comfort knowing that they finally have a compassionate, supportive person on their side; you.
